F A N F I C T I O N > V . M A R S
And That's the Problem by Amberina
Before Duncan saw it with his own eyes, he saw it in his head. Playing over and over again. Except in his head, Logan was fucking her on a bed that didn't belong to either of them. It belonged to Duncan. Both were naked, and her back was arching, and Logan was grunting as he thrust. Veronica's hands grasped at his back as she came, a small gasp escaping her lips, and it's always more than Duncan thinks he can take.
And then it stops and he's back in his room, or school, or wherever he was before the thought started. This happened for weeks and weeks before he saw them kiss at Aaron's pseudo-belated birthday party for Logan. It's not that he's psychic, he's just observant. He saw the looks, the whispers to each other, running off together. He's not stupid. So he got himself a Meg, sort of a lame attempt to keep his mind off Veronica and, being truthful, a small part of him hoped Veronica would be jealous.
She's your sister, the ever-present birdy on his shoulder says mockingly. Like me. Duncan turns, and there's Lilly. There's always Lilly, always Lilly, always. Sometimes when she talks to him she looks even more horrible than she did when she died. Other times, she's beautiful. In his more logical times, he knows she's not really there. Other times, like now, lying in bed and trying desperately to sleep, she's realer than she was when she was alive.
Duncan doesn't say anything to her. She curls up like a cat at the end of his bed, and she's supposed to be sexy, but Duncan just wants to cry. "No," he says but he's not sure if he said it or thought it - it doesn't really matter, though, because Lilly hears him.
What's the matter, Donut? You have no problem pining over - and raping, I might add - Veronica Mars, but I'm not good enough for you? One of her fingers dances down her chest and Duncan looks away. Haven't you ever wanted to see my tits?
He squeezes his eyes shut and says in as calm as voice he can muster, "Go away, Lilly." She never does.
She apparently gives up her seduction and sits up. You're really fucked up, baby brother. She says it like he doesn't already know it. Funny how I was always the black sheep, and you ended up the one the family should really be embarrassed about.
"And you ended up dead."
She shrugs. Doesn't matter now. You're the one imagining your dead sister trying to seduce you, and I think in the long run, that's a little worse than being dead. Especially since you'll be dead soon enough anyway.
Duncan looks at her, and for a moment he completely forgets that she's just a figment of his imagination and he wonders what she knows. Then it all comes crashing down on him and he can't stand to look at her anymore, he can't stand the lie of her body there, at the end of his bed. He closes his eyes tight and he wishes her away, wishes himself away. He just wants...
He doesn't know what he wants. No, that's a lie. He wants Veronica, and he hates himself for it. He wants Lilly to be alive, and once she's alive, he wants to kill her. Maybe not kill her, but he wants to hurt her, and he feels sick.
"I'm sorry," he says to himself and the world, but not to Lilly. Never to Lilly.
He squeezes his eyes shut even tighter and tries to breathe, to get ahold of himself. Tries to, for one goddamn minute, be okay. See you soon, Donut, he hears and then he opens his eyes and Lilly is gone, but he's still there, and that's the problem.