F A N F I C T I O N > B U F F Y V E R S E
Under the Influence (Over Champagne) by Amberina
The thing about Cordelia is that she reminds Dawn of Buffy. Except maybe not as skinny, and definitely not as blonde. (Cordelia told Dawn that she once dyed her hair, and Dawn placed her hands over her ears and refused to hear it.)
The thing about Cordelia, though, is that she kind of makes her feel how Buffy makes her feel. Insignificant and silly, unrefined. Happy too, but mostly the first three.
It's not Cordelia's fault, really. It's not. She is still, despite everything, still Queen C. Sharp wit and soft curves, and everything that makes Dawn ache inside. Cordelia can't help it, though. She can't help who she is, and who Dawn is, and the fact that Dawn wants her.
Dawn isn't shy anymore. She's not clumsy and babbling. She's grown up. A few years will do that, Dawn guesses, but still. She feels she's come a long way. When she looks at Cordelia, she feels like the eleven-year-old dork that caught Xander and Cordelia making out that one time.
She remembers that, and perhaps that's what started her crush on Cordelia. Her crush on Xander followed, and that one was easier to talk about, easier to think about. Xander was cool, you know? Male and cool, and the kind of guy Dawn wanted to marry one day, she thought. Cordelia, though, Cordelia was...
Dawn still blushes thinking back on it. She'd been eleven - so young, so little, and yet she felt all grown up as her body twitched with interest back then. Cordelia's head had been bent back slightly, her eyes closed, as Xander kissed down her neck, his hand carefully cupping her breast.
She'd started to hurry out and knocked a few books off a table as she passed. They fell to the floor with a loud noise, and Dawn had frozen in place. Xander and Cordelia both looked equally horrified, embarrassed, and shocked. No one said anything, and then Dawn turned around and ran out of the library. She waited for Buffy on the steps of the school instead, nervously biting her nails and trying to think of anything other than Cordelia's breast.
Now, Dawn is twenty-one and Cordelia is... as beautiful as ever. Dawn feels almost like she could have her if she made her move. Except, she knows she can't, so she won't even try. If she tries and is turned down, then she'll feel weird fantasizing about cupping the woman's breast, kissing it. As it is now, she can be hopeful, she can think, "One day, I'll do this."
Cordelia and Dawn work together now. Dawn is a secretary if you want to label her, but she likes to think she contributes more than that to Angel's team. Her booksmarts and knowledge of languages aren't exactly a liability, for example. It's just her, Angel and Cordelia. Dawn knows there used to be other people - a demon named Lorne that no one has heard from in years, Gunn and Wesley and Fred and Doyle - and god, Spike - all dead. They occasionally get help from other people, of course - Gwen (who is nice if a little weird), Connor (Dawn sees movies with him sometimes, but he doesn't seem very interested - she suspects he's gay), and Nina (Angel's girlfriend that they really only see three nights a month). For the most part, though, it's just the three of them.
Dawn likes it that way. Cordelia seems to be comfortable with the arrangement, though sometimes Dawn notices her looking after Angel like - well, like Buffy used to stare at Angel, which isn't helping the fact that Cordelia reminds Dawn of Buffy.
Dawn would never, ever think about Buffy the way she thinks about Cordelia, though.
Cordelia and Dawn have girls' nights sometimes. They consist of facial masks, champagne, and bitching about everything from the shirt Angel wore that day to the latest plot on Lost. Sometimes Dawn thinks it wouldn't be so hard to just lean over and kiss her, to touch her, to undress her and love her with her hands, her fingers, her mouth, her tongue.
And then she remembers the way Cordelia looks at Angel, and she says something silly and unimportant about Dominic Monaghan. Cordelia laughs, and she's really, really beautiful when she smiles.
"You know," Cordelia begins and for some reason Dawn's heart jumps into her throat, though she has no real reason to have any reaction to those two words. "I think Nina's kind of pretty."
Dawn's confused, but she nods and takes a sip of her champagne and replies. Nina is pretty, of course. Dawn just doesn't know where this is going.
"I mean, she's not prettier than me, but she's a lot better than, like, for instance, Buffy. No offense." Cordelia half-laughs, half-gasps and a bit of champagne splashes on her chin. She's more than a little drunk. Dawn can tell especially when she goes to wipe the champagne off her chin and misses her face by a few inches.
"None taken," Dawn says quietly, and Cordelia continues.
"I just don't get it. A girl's dead for a few years and suddenly the boy's all moved on." Cordelia frowns into her glass and then looks at Dawn and says, her voiced noticeably slurred, "How long was Darla dead, huh?"
Dawn doesn't know the answer, nor what exactly she should say so she says the first thing to come to mind. "I wouldn't move on." Then she blushes, but Cordelia doesn't seem to notice.
"You wouldn't. That's right, 'cause you're... not a mean, evil vampire whore." Cordelia sighs and leans back. "Sometimes I think I should just forget him, you know? Just say, 'Forget you, Buster! I'm a hot and happening young woman that was only dead for a few years, dammit! I can get lots of goddamn dates you ingrateful, bloodsucking pig!'" Cordelia pauses. "You know?"
Cordelia reaches for the bottle of champagne, but Dawn gently stops her hand. "Maybe you shouldn't..."
"No, maybe I should," Cordelia replies, her hand shaking as she picks up the bottle. She seems to have misinterpreted Dawn's words because she says, "Maybe I should. Hell, might as well forget all men. You know, there are some very nice-looking women out there. I don't know if I don't..." Cordelia seems to notice Dawn blushing now, because she stops talking, and puts the bottle down.
"Dawn?"
"Um, yes?" Dawn asks, shifting in her seat next to Cordelia. She's never felt so small, so tiny, so young. She feels her cheeks burning.
Cordelia leans in, and she brushes her lips against Dawn's gently. It's barely a kiss, but it's there, and Dawn closes her eyes. She takes a deep breath and then she captures Cordelia's lips herself. They are soft and taste like alcohol and mint, and Dawn thinks that maybe, just maybe this is wrong. Cordelia's so drunk, she's too drunk...
Then Cordelia's hand is under her shirt, brushing across her bra, and Dawn feels her nipples harden beneath the fabric. Dawn sighs into the kiss, leans into Cordelia's touch. God, how long has she wanted this?
She just has to know something. If she doesn't know, then she can't... "Cordy, will you regret this in the morning?"
Cordelia moves back just barely and she seems to really be thinking about it. Then she says, very quietly, her speech still slurred, "I'm sorry." She looks at Dawn, and she smiles softly, drunkenly. "I'll see you... " she pauses, seems to be trying to find the right words, "in the morning."
Dawn isn't hurt. She expected this, really. This is why she didn't say anything weeks, months ago. "Okay."
Cordelia goes up to her room, and Dawn goes to her own. When she reaches it, she closes the door behind her and she changes into clothing to sleep in. She looks at herself in the mirror and she sees herself as a child, young and naive and, above all, innocent.
The image changes, though, and then she's her current self. Shorter, lighter hair. Developed body, curves where curves should be. She sees something else, though. Other than those things, she simply looks older. Fighting demons didn't exactly keep one young for long, physically or emotionally.
Dawn crawls into bed and she thinks about everything that just happened. She thinks about Cordelia's lips against her own, and her hand begins to trail down her body. She brushes her fingers against her inner thigh before dipping her hand under the fabric of her shorts. She quickly finds the right spot, and begins to go to work, stroking herself. At first gently, and then gradually building pace until she comes, her body shuddering as she very carefully keeps herself from crying out.
She falls asleep a few minutes later, Cordelia on her mind.
The next morning, Cordelia doesn't mention anything. Dawn cracks a joke about Dominic Monaghan as they sip their coffee and wait for phone calls. Cordelia laughs. She's really, really beautiful when she laughs.