F A N F I C T I O N > V . M A R S
this is not how it is by Amberina
s m e a r
It's been exactly 34 and a half days since Aaron Echolls was taken into police custody for the murder of Lilly Kane. Veronica counts the days in her head, and each number is followed by a thought of Lilly. She needs to remember her, because she thinks that if she allows herself to forget for one day, she'll forget everything. She'll forget herself. Veronica Mars was always right behind Lilly Kane, so it makes sense that if the memory of one fades, the other will follow.
Veronica applies makeup, and she feels good. She actually, honestly feels good. It's a strange feeling, an unfamiliar feeling, but she welcomes it with open arms. It's been a long damn time since she felt good. Pink lipgloss is smeared across her lips, and Veronica puckers into the mirror and she sees a girl she doesn't recognize, one of bubbling beauty and unending pep, the sort Lilly used to have. Veronica smiles and then she kisses the mirror, and she leaves a smudge of pink lips on the glass.
And, as she looks at her reflection, part of it obscured by the lipgloss print, it hits Veronica that this is not how it's supposed to be. That this is not how it is.
You know how things are gonna be now, don't you? You have to know. Veronica hears it, Lilly's voice, and it's so loud and so there, Veronica has to look around. No, of course Lilly's not there. She can't be.
Veronica still feels good, but now she's afraid the good feeling will go away, and she doesn't want to go back to being cold and bitter. Not when Duncan and Logan are waiting for her.
s m o l d e r
Duncan is elated. There is food on the table, and candles lit all around and he wants everything to be perfect. He needs it to be perfect. Lilly would have wanted it to be perfect. No, he reminds himself, Lilly would have wanted it to be pretty and messy and everything she was. Duncan considers this, and he purposefully wrinkles the tablecloth. When that isn't enough, he takes a spoonful of gravy and dribbles it around the table. It'll wash, and if not, they'll get a new one.
He sits in a chair at the table and he waits, and he nervously straightens his clothing, just needing something to do with his hands. When he tires of that, he gets up and finds some music to turn on. Something Lilly would have liked. After settling on a song, it playing more loudly than necessary (Lilly would have wanted it that way), Duncan sits back down. He doesn't hear the doorbell over the music, but that's okay. Logan lets himself in, Veronica following on his heels. Their hands are interlocked, and Duncan faintly remembers a time when seeing that would make him jealous, but things are different now. (Isn't it better? Like this?)
Duncan gets up to greet them, and Veronica's mouth meets his own, the kiss soft and pleasant. When he and Logan do the same, the kiss involves tongue. It always does with Logan.
The three sit down for dinner, but not much is eaten. As they discuss Lilly, talking about the good times, Duncan mentions his observation that Lilly would want it to be messy, and Veronica asks him what he means. He responds by throwing a small piece of chicken at her. It gets caught in her hair, and she squeals, and for a small moment she seems like the Veronica of two years ago.
The food starts flying across the table, but Logan only joins in when he dumps the entire bowl of gravy over the candles. They go out quickly, not even a little smoke able to emerge from under the gravy. He stands up and says, too loudly even with the music playing, "That's enough."
g a s p
Veronica and Duncan stare at Logan for a moment, and he wonders how they can be so dumb. Things are not perfect, and they are not happy, and they never were. A dinner to talk about his dead girlfriend, one which his dad murdered, should not result in a jolly good time. Lilly might have wanted it, but Logan does not.
Duncan asks him if he's okay and Logan just laughs. Okay? No, he's not okay. He never was, and he never will be, and that's how it is. Veronica frowns, and Logan would feel bad for ruining her evening, but he just doesn't. He would if this, or this, or this happened, but it didn't and he doesn't. He hasn't forgotten.
Logan leaves then, because he has to, but he doesn't go far. He ends up by the pool, where Lilly died, and where she lives now. He traces his fingers over the spot where her body was found and he tries to imagine how it happened, what his father did. What was said. The look on Lilly's face. He imagines it all, but he has the distinct feeling he's missing the point. (Just like this. Just like this.)
And then, on a whim, he dives head-first into the water fully-clothed, and at first the cold water is a shock, but he gets used to it, and he thinks he needed the shock anyway. The clothing comes off quickly and as Logan swims, he wonders which one of them will be the one to come out and see what he's doing.
His question is answered quickly when Veronica kneels by the pool.
w a t e r
Lilly dangles her feet over the edge of the pool but she doesn't feel the water on her feet. She doesn't feel much of anything anymore, being dead and without senses. She watches with blank curiosity as Veronica looks around and then strips. If Lilly was alive, she'd comment on it, but she's not, so she doesn't.
Veronica jumps into the water, and Logan pulls her towards him. Duncan follows shortly, and then all three are naked in the pool and Lilly watches as they have sex, rough and soft, alternating like waves. It's fitting.
Some might wonder how they got to this point, but Lilly knows. Lilly will never tell, though, because her ability to influence the lives of those around her has been revoked. What's a little whispering in ears, guiding, mild possession between friends?
Lilly sits on the edge of the pool, and she doesn't feel a thing.
(Don't forget about me.)